THE "NOT SO SMART" SOLUTION (an opinion piece)

November 24, 2015

 

 

Yesterday I saw a post for bulletrproof blankets for schools, in case of emergency, on facebook. I don't know if they're actually developed, if they are going to be or if it was simply a brainstorm...but I saw posts that it was a ridiculous idea, a ridiculous product, I'm not entirely sure. I personally, think its more sad than ridiculous that a product like this might actually have to be considered in todays day and age, nonetheless, there they were. Now WHY its ridiculous to someone is beyond me, especially if something like this could save a human life. Of course, the solution for some of the people commenting on this post was "someone should have a gun" - OK, but in the meantime, do you want your children to be completely defenceless or at least have something that could stop a bullet. In a lot of these shootouts, the shooter has a vest on. Regardless, I don't know why the answer is always the same for the "pro gun" person. Never in their head does a gun escalate a situation or make things worse - in their head it plays out like a movie. Someone shows up with a gun to shoot up the place, but the good guy with the gun comes to save the day and everyone gets saved. YaY. It could happen, sure. Here's another scenario:

3 bad guys walk into a buildingl weilding guns, the hero shows up and opens fire, a gun fight ensues which elevates the situation and dozens of people die because they're threatened. It could have happened regardless, BUT - there's a chance without any bloodshed, the same result could have been achieved. It's been done before. One person on the inside isn't likely to diffuse a situation, possibly a team of people on the inside, but I don't think we have the resources to place a hidden swat teams in every school in the country, let alone ONE trained professional.

These "terror attacks" - like the BS one the Canadian government tried to get you to buy into a while back, which somehow faded away when people didn't sink their teeth into it - ARE DESIGNED to generate fear amongst us. To make us start thinking about putting guns everywhere, just in case! To have us adjust our way of life because we're in a constant state of fear. Guess what, that's a win for the bad guys...... I walk the streets every day, I have never been in a situation where I needed a gun. The vast majority that are for guns at all times, NEVER had the need for a gun in a life or death situation. Thats the case for the majority of people in Canada. 

This is not to say that people shouldn't be able to own guns, use them to hunt, protection for their home or whatever. But that's about the extent of my comfort level with them. I don't see them as being a healthy addition to this society, maybe that will change. But I'm not going to let fear mongering make that decision for me and I'm tired of the exploitation of that fear mongering as an excuse to bring GUNS to the top of the agenda. 

Guns aren't the solution. They are part of the problem.

"Take care, be well & love simply because you can" ~J-man

BREAKING DOWN BARRIERS

October 29, 1015

 

Today the power grid went out in my neighborhood. No big deal, happens all the time where I live, mainly because this part of the city is growing so rapidly and the power demand is so high, it goes regularly...especially when its super hot and people are watering their lawns because the rain hasn't done a great job of that the last couple of billion years - and blasting their AC to mirror the temperature of an igloo.

Its one thing to flick a light switch and realize "Hey, there's no power...." its another thing when you flick the switch and realize "Hey, there's no power...." then continue to try and turn on the lights, use the blender for your morning shake or charge your cell phone. That was me :D all in one shot. No word of a lie, when I made my way towards the bathroom, I tapped the switched when I walked in (did my business) tapped it again so I could see my handsome face in the mirror, tried hitting the lights again, moved a few things around on my counter and for whatever god forsaken reason, reached out for the lights again before I caught myself. I'm on fu@king auto pilot for crying out loud. This is an example of dependency - and this is one has to ask the question, IS THE MATRIX REAL!? ummmmmmmm, kidding...but seriously, how bad has this become.

Believe it or not - and you're not going to like this, but you're a sheep. We all are. Some of us are just more well informed. You and I are on the grid, our actions are predictable from the T.V shows you watch, the movies that appear on your NETFLIX and the music you listen to on a daily basis. My surrender to this belief came when I talked with a traffic engineer about the completion of the Strandherd Bridge, which took years to complete and how its impacted my drive into a specific part of the city. The route I was taking at the time, in my eyes, was a clever one and I would always tell people...take this road opposed to that road, yadda yadda yadda, thinking I was some kinda interesting bird. When I shared this with Mr. Traffic man, he explained to me that the timing of the lights are actually set to PROMPT cars to head in one direction, opposed to the other - basically, they WANTED people to take the route I choose. WTF?!  Here I am thinking I'm ahead of the curve, but I'm doing nothing but going in circles....which brings me to choice.

Do we really choose, or how genuine is choice, when its influenced/harnessed by people that understand the brain better than we understand ourselves. Its scary, but something prompted you to drink that first brand of beer, pop or hamburger. I'm not going to turn this into a BIG BROTHER BLOG, but what I will do is encourage you to take a few minutes here and there to think, instead of just do - try and take the autopilot of and become more aware of your actions. This will make you more present, it will make you more sensitive to whats really going on, it will make you less of a sheep - baaaaah - like I was this morning. This was a solid reminder, to me, of how so many "choices" are made by nothing more than an impulse, without the decision making process. Make sure you are the one choosing your choices. If by chance, this BLOG makes absolutely no sense to you, that's ok lol.... I just had a thought/feeling - and said to myself "GO FOR IT!"                                                                                                                                                                                                           Hope you enjoyed the write up and as always, I encourage you to share your thoughts, gimme your brainspace - discussion is always a good thing, whether or not you agree with whats being said. Thanks again for stopping by and checking in with me :)

"Take care, be well & love simply because you can" ~J-man

6 Months....

 October 21, 2015

 

 

Its been a while. I'm ready to get back to me I think..... The last 6 months have been a whirlwind and the summer months were a period of personal growth for me. Life hasn't been "easy" as of late, but a lot of that probably has to do with me more than anything else. Without getting too much into the nitty gritty, I found out that I have a lot more resolve than I ever thought. I'm also impressed by my work ethic, the ability to get things done in the grind and knowing that no matter what life throws at me, I'll find a way. 

Its too often we forget what makes us magnificent - its too bad too, because we're incredible creatures whose DNA pushes us to move forward. Some people take longer than others, but generally speaking, life always gets better. If life gets worse, we're even able to find the positive in these situations, which gives us the ability to cope and create change in ourselves and others.

Today I was talking with a friend who told me she wasn't happy, which is a big statement...I don't find that most people even take the time to truly evaluate what happiness is to them, beyond the temporary. I told her what I have to remind myself here and there, that "Happiness, is a choice..." it happens that fast. You just have to decide that you want to be happy and everything changes. It sounds like a long shot, but its not. You control the moments in your life. Once you lose track of that, its the other way around.

Be authentic, be kind, be caring and be empathetic, to YOU. Make the choice, in this moment, to be happy - and explore what that word really means to you, because it can and should continue to evolve. I'll promise to keep trying, if you do too :D Here's some of my happy from this past summer. Catching up with my buddy David Gogo in Calabogie.

"Take care, be well & love simply because you can" ~J-man
 

SAB

April 8, 2015

 

 

It saddens me to write this blog but it also brings me some joy to share my fond memories of a good buddy, Sab.

I met Sab only a few months after moving to the valley to work at STAR 96 in Pembroke. All I really knew of this guy was that he apparently signed a pretty sweet record deal many years ago, loved music and came across as an overall friendly, likable individual. Little did I know at the time, how likable he could be and the unique friendship we would develop over the following years.

I'm not going to make it seem like Sab and I were the kinda buddies that would go out for dinner, but I'd like to think there was a strong mutual respect and an incredible awesome professional/personal relationship that enchanced our friendship. Let me try and explain the dynamic a lil further and give you a glimpse into how Sab followed me from Pembroke to Ottawa and single handedly helped build my brand of J-man's Junkyard.

Sab LOVED getting airplay, Lol...who wouldn't, right!? Its badass :) and he would ocsasionally be in STAR studios to record something for a charitable event that he had going on like "The Thanksgiving Jam" or other musical related endeavors. Sab, not being one to shy away from straight forward, would make it very clear that he would be a good candidate to be played in our rotation. Here and there he was able to get a few spins, but never really fit into the NEW country category, which generally doesn't drink Cherry Whiskey, Lol. I could be very wrong, but I don't think so. 4 years in country music came to an end when I got the offer to move back home to Ottawa and work at Canada's first 24 hours "blues rock" format - it was hard for me to say goodbye but I jumped at the opportunity to be back in a major market, more importantly, where my family lived. One would think that would be the end of me and Sab. Truth is, the end of my career in country, was the beginning of our blossoming friendship....in blues.

We were about one week outside of launch for DAWG FM and we were instructed to solidify interviews that would relate to the blues audience. I thought, what better way to do that than reaching out to blues artists. One problem. I didn't know any, Lol.... I had been to Tucsons, The Rainbow and other blues venues/shows, but didn't know any performers personally. Within about 5 minutes of that thought, I said to myself "SHIT! This is the perfect opportunity for me to call Sab!" I sent him a message on facebook and told him to shoot me off his number, "I have some BIG news" I said - he replies near immediately. I then proceed to tell him to send me EVERYTHING he has that's blues, blues rock, and quick. He does..... and a few days later, he's one of the 5 guests that I interviewed to launch J-man's Junkyard on DAWG FM. In fact, we used one of his lines from the interview as a station promo for ages. That's how Sab came to appreciate me, more so, my character. I had always talked about how I liked his music, sound, etc...and when I had the chance to make it happen as music director at DAWG, I did. I believe he respected that. 

Here's what Sab did for me, outside of personally appearing on my show and giving me some kick ass tracks to play on the radio, like "Hey, Hey, Hey!" by far, one of my favorite blues rock tracks I ever got to spin on the radio - he basically created who J-man ended up being, which was "The guy who knew the artists...." that all started with Sab. He was responsible for all the interviews in my launch week, including Donnie Walsh, Paul James, David Rotundo and Jack de Keyzer. Sab hand delivered all these names and numbers to me. This isn't some B list of players, he passed me along to some of the biggest names in Canadian Blues music today! These interviews all turned into solid relationships and went on to mold my on air persona. None of that would have ever been without his help. I truly credit Sab, 100%, with the direction my career took when I landed back in Ottawa. He's a good chunk of one of the most enriching experiences of my life - that's the legacy he leaves behind for me. That's on top of him being one of the most charitable human beings I have ever met, which brings me to the conclusion of this blog...........

I'll miss the man, not just his physical form, but what he represented, the human spirit....how good it could be. I can hear his laugh now, I bet you can too - and its probably putting a smile on your face like it just did mine. I will miss our chats, your stories. Your honesty. You squeezed every ounce of life you could out of your earthly body, it just couldn't hold onto your awesomeness any longer, so it had to let go :) freeing you to share your gifts with so many more, in your memory. Through your music, your passion for helping others and your ability to battle when nobody would think any less of you if you didn't. You, my friend...are brave.

It was my honor to have you ask me to host SABSTOCK two summers ago and celebrate another year of you here:) with your loyal fans and friends. It holds a special place in my heart because it gave me the opportunity to stand next to you, curtains open and on stage "your second home" to share with those in attendance how much respect I had for you, your fight....and your friendship. 

You will be - and already are, forever missed.

"Take care, be well & love simply because you can" ~J-man

MY THOUGHTS

March 20, 2015

 

 

I will travel the world and touch the mountain tops, to be so high that I feel my whispers to the heavens can be heard. I want to soar the skies and swim oceans with the dolphins, while the sun shines on my face. To cry tears of joy on every continent and be content with a life well lived…..

I will add value to my vault and help others do the same. I will open up my Universal bank account and fill it with the riches of my experiences and allow anyone to withdraw.

I desire inner peace, the ability to close my eyes and visualize. To hear my heartbeat and listen to my lifeforce. My spirit dances to the rhythm while my soul sings along to the song. I will learn to love more deeply, passionately and completely, to give more instead of take. To allow myself to receive compassion and to return it, with more passion and better than it once was. In days of happiness, or hardship, please give me the strength to learn and grow and become a better me.

I am a vessel among the cosmos... to be used, to serve, to be of purpose for all for mankind.  I'll live long, live strong - and most importantly, leave my legacy behind.

"Take care, be well & love simply because you can" ~J-man

GRATEFUL

February 13, 2015

 

 

I was trying to write this blog the other day but I just couldn't get my fingers to translate what my brain was going to say, ironic that I'm kinda feeling lucky right now that I'm going to write a gem, on Friday the 13th :D but I've never been into superstitions much - other than the Stevie Wonder hit. 

I'm just a couple days removed from a destination wedding as "The Best Man" of one of the most amazing men I know, Dale. The title really should have went to him :) I met D about 12 years ago, maybe 13 - he was going through a very rough patch in life that may have tarnished his ego a little bit, but never even put a haze on his halo. He's a hardworking father of 3, full of compassion, kindness and genuinely caring. I tell the story of Dale and I being on his boat, that I'm pretty sure only ran once properly, on her maiden voyage when we shared in a dialogue that possibly changed the course of his life. I'm huge on the laws of attraction - and its not often that Dale and I would talk about women, finances, etc...it was usually something about video games, things that happened at work and other interesting man stuff, like beer, Lol. That day, I talked to him about taking a destination vacation, which he had never done - and being "ready" to meet that special someone. It was a peaceful moment, Dale and I in the boat, where we may or may not have shared in a cold beverage :D and it has stuck strong in my memory ever since. Go figure, just a few years later, he's getting married to his true soul mate, on a destination wedding - with me by his side. Its almost like a fairy tale.

Part of this trip was a catamaran, I've done it before...I've done destination vacations before, but this was something special. The few hours on that boat, I gained a greater appreciation, for being grateful. 35 people came for this wedding. 35 individuals, some near strangers, interacted like family, shared in one anothers company. Some developing new relationships, some grooming the ones already in place, some, solidifying friendships that will last a lifetime. I felt a very strong connection to the new friends sharing the boat during that day. In fact, I said to someone that we should be trying to organize something like this every year, it would be phenomenal. I just didn't want it to end.

I would like to think that the experience changed me, making me want to be a better person.... Dale and his equally awesome wife Richelle didn't meet these people by chance, they came to them though the laws of attraction, or in this case "The Law of Awesomeness" :D sharing their most cherished days with the people that matter and love them most. When you live a good life, it will provide good fruits and there wasn't one bad apple in the bunch. I felt priviledged, honored actually, to be a part of their circle that took a lifetime to develop. Like, "Man, I must have done something something right, somewhere in life to be linked to these phenomenal human beings. Full of smiles, laughter, kindness and warmth." This blog almost feels a lil underwhelming to me because I feel that no matter what words appear on this screen, it can't do the people involved, the experience as a whole, justice.

I'm forever grateful to be a part of what I consdier to be some of the most special moments of my life. To experience 2 incredible forces in life, collide on a beach in Cuba, delcaring their love to one another, around the ones they love most. 

"Take care, be well & love simply because you can" ~ J-man

THE YEAR OF CHANGE

January 12, 2015

 

 

2014 started like any other year of recent past. My headspace was exactly where it needed to be. I was full time into my new venture with Project 10 which had become full time employment for me. That was about the only big change to start off a fresh dozen of months, lil did I know...the biggest changes were to come. I don’t want this to come across as a “negative blog” - but unfortunately it was negative events that shaped me the past year. Fortunately, I believe I’ll learn from them as I try and decipher the universal code presented to me.

In May, I lost someone extremely close to me as you well know. It was heart wrenching. It was hate, anger, despair, guilt, loss and love, all wrapped into one. Christina will be forever missed and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about her (there is a blog about her further down the page) I fell into a deep depression for 2 months in which I barely left the house. My thriving business took a dip, my personal relationships did the same and I was pretty much a recluse. I did my fair share of grieving - and in fact, still am. I haven’t been 100% for quite some time, but I’m getting there. I’m hoping by writing it down and sharing it - I’m giving this feeling less power over me. This isn’t something I’ve shared with a lot of people. I’ve felt a lil ashamed that I could let something get to me, this bad. I’ve done words of wisdom wednesdays for years, talk about perspective, yet couldn’t seem to get mine in check no matter how much I tried. But here, I’m doing my best to “be transparent” and turn my weakness, my struggles, into strength - by owning it.

There was another wonderful person in my life who suffered a stroke in her early 30’s. One day we were walking in a park, the following day she was in a hospital bed, not able to walk, see, barely talk, more or less eat and drink on her own. It was a scary thing to see, an awful thing to experience. She has since had about as sensational a recovery as you could for someone her age. Its still a long road measured in months and years, but she’s beyond fortunate to have regained almost all her vision, mobility and most importantly...her life. This too, had a profound watermark on the way I perceived and received the information that the universe is constantly sharing with us.

Lastly, there was something I didn’t share with you. It just wasn’t something I was ready to share with people, but I kept on getting questions about her. Never realizing how much people saw her as a HUGE part of my life, even though I was well aware of how precious her lil paws were to me. Princess Annabelle passed away about 2 months ago. It was sudden, it was devastating to me and my mother who was also very close with her. The lovely lady who shared my bed for the past 7-8 years, died in my arms, at my mothers home. This latest loss suffocated me, to say the least. I never realized how much an animal could fill up a home, until my lil buddy was gone. I never felt so alone in my own house, its empty and still kinda has that feeling to this day. I miss her snuggled up to me on the couch, in my bed, laying by the rear window when I would drive around town “catching some rays” or sitting at home, on the patio, listening to her heavy panting that would drive me nuts - the same panting I would pay anything to hear again, even louder. I had a dream last night that I was holding Annabelle in my arms, I was with my mom and I ask her “Is this real or is this all going to end” - it was somewhat of a lucid dream and part of me recalled that Annabelle already gone. I cried out that line a few times to my mother before I made the decision to put Annabelle down. When I did, I woke up… it brings tears to my eyes right now, just thinking about it. I loved my Princess with all my heart, it just crumbles at the thought of you being gone… but thank you for being such a wonderful and endearing part of my life. I’ll never forget you :)

With all that being said, sadness and all. Its the shitty things in life that define us, to put it less eloquently. Its easy to smile and keep the head up when life is livable. But when it feels like it isn’t and you can still rise above, that’s when you grow. You can crumble to the cruelty it sometimes presents, or be humble and learn. The one way I try and look at life, is that nothing is or was mine to begin with. The Universe gives and the Universe takes away. To think that anything is “yours” is the biggest mistake. Christina, Princess Annabelle and above, they were never mine, everything is on loan and I’m simply to be grateful for the gifts they gave me in their short time on this planet. That may not be the way you choose to think, which is obviously ok with me...its simply the way I try and look at things.

Thank you to my special friends who already know of the events above. First, my mother and father who are always there for me - all my family in fact who have been blessings to me beyond words. I’d also like to give an honorable mention to Bobby and Rob, my co workers with the challenge who have become some of my best friends, I appreciate your patience and gentle pats on the back. With all this being said, please no pity…. it serves nobody. No sorry for your loss. If you are going to leave a comment, keep it positive, share something that will make me smile, or simply give it a thumbs up. One more thank you, to YOU. For taking the time to share my headspace, to care, to give me an outlet. Its appreciated and cherished. Here’s to 2015.

 

"Take care, be well and love simply because you can" J-man

 

Things

August 1, 2014

 

 

Things have been slowly getting back to normal, a new normal I guess.... You hear it so often, when you're uncomfortable in life, it means you're growing. I feel like I should be 2 feet taller by now :) I'm getting up earlier in the day now, but sleeping is still a tough one. Last night I tried to head to bed for two in the morning (late for most) and I couldn't get to sleep - ended up being awake til about 4 in the morning last I checked. Unfortunately, there was another loss in my life...a young lady named Jessica - she passed away after her life long battle with CF. I had messaged her a few weeks back to see if she was up for a visit, now I understand why there was no reply. Courageous lil gal, she will be dearly missed. Condolences to anyone who might be reading this blog who knew what an awesome ball of fire she was.

The universe has been good to me, overall...even through all the poop. I've been rewarded for my troubles with $1000 for losing 10 pounds, somewhat of a selfless act really, because the intention behind the whole thing for me was wanting to sponsor a kid and get the tshirt, the badge of accomplishment in our company. Never did I think I would win for losing 10 pounds :) I'm grateful for that. My old HONDA CRX that some of my older readers here might remember finally got sold too. Its been sitting at a friends house for 4 years and outta the blue, someone made me a great offer on the car - super sweet. Above all, I've gained new friendships and strengthened old ones...good people - who helped me turn tragedy, into triumph. I'll be stronger coming out of this, because of them.

There are good days, and not so good days....life is always in transition and comes down to perspective. Sometimes, its hard to see through the cloudiness of life, but that's why one has to practice focus - squinting the eyes and really try to see. If I can keep my head out of the past, not think too far forward and simply focus on the present, that's exactly what I'll receive :D Gifts.

"Take care, be well & love simply because you can" ~J-man

 

 

LETTING LOVE IN

July 3, 2014

 

 

I’ve recently taken an introspective posture when it comes to how my life works. For the most part, things look good...on paper. I’m 36 years old, keep myself in good shape, have a phenomenal family and great friends. I own a new home, drive a nice car and even have a cute dog. On top of all that goodness, I have a pretty good head on my shoulders and after 14 years in radio, I seamlessly transitioned into a new job that supports the lifestyle I worked so hard to establish. I had myself convinced that I didn’t want anything more.

Anyone who knows me well, knows how I feel about relationships. Generally, that I don’t feel that much for them at all...sad, but true. I’m not good at them. I never wanted to get married, never really opposed it, but couldn’t see it materializing for me. At this stage in my life, I still have never shared a living space with a woman, haven’t had a relationship make it past the 2 year mark...basically all the makings of a lifetime bachelor, or gay male, Lol. It literally makes me laugh. This reads like an anti cover letter for attracting females.

How did it get this way?

Back in the day, when I was a teens and maybe even a lil bit into my early 20’s, I’d buy girls flowers, more times than not, because I liked them and I wanted them to like me. I wanted to make them feel special, sometimes, I’d even write a poem. Lord knows it wasn’t sex driven, I was a virgin until I was 18 years old. Just at the time, It was almost like everyone was special - which they are. There’s an innocence in that when you’re younger, that you tend to lose track of when you get older and relationships have gotten the better of you. Not everyone of course, but some will be able to relate. Lets fast forward to post college, I was a lot heavier back then, 225 opposed to my lean 175 now. I quickly saw how I was treated differently when I started to shed the weight and I think that’s where my attitude towards women, shifted. I was the same person on the inside, regardless my weight...but all that mattered was on the outside. I would take the attention, return it...but not with much affection. No more poems, I’ve probably written 2 in my 30’s and no more flowers. In fact, l barely remember where I used to go buy them. The innocence of it all, near forgotten.

I’m 37 in 2 months and reevaluating things and what I want from life in the lovey dove sector. I know that I want to be at a point where I can let love in, freely. I don’t want to live the rest of my life pushing people away, not sharing my souls voice, or allowing others to share theirs with mine. It took a MASSIVE jolt in my life to finally expose the void, to truly acknowledge and embrace this new paradigm. This is something I just wanted to put down in print, as always...I wanted to share it with you. I think its important to write thoughts like this down, it will make me grow, I hope :) I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past 4-6 weeks and they are lessons that won’t be forgotten. If you see me getting off track, make sure to reel me in and give me a good talking to.

“Take care, be well & love simply because you can” ~J-man

CHRISTINA

May 25, 2014

 

 

Today, my heart breaks. My soul is shattered. Everything hurts. I lost one of the most important people in my life. This is one of the hardest blogs I've ever had to write..I hope this blog does her justice, I'm not sure if any words can. Christina was to be "experienced", not explained :)

 

Christina came into my life September 11th, 2013 (picture down below) I was at a blues show on the Quebec side, my frist since being let go by DAWG FM. The second I saw her, she blew my mind. One of the most beautiful woman I had ever set eyes on, but unfortunate for me...she was with someone that night, which I later found out was just a friend. Even without knowing that at the time, it didn't stop me from wanting to be around her, talk with her. She had an intoxicating smile, strong posture and unless you've seen her yourself, the most beautiful blue eyes, I mean...the most beautiful you've ever seen. Christina was magical, and it was like I was in the audience and just watching her perform, wow'ing me. We got to talking about my new employment, which is what I do now, Project 10. She was fascinated by it, where most are intimidated. We talked the next day, signed her up - and our relationship began.

I worked with Christina for a while before anything happened between her and I. I'm usually a dummy when it comes to "catching on" to when girls like me. But I could tell by the way she looked at me, and I can't describe it, but I could just tell. Both of us kinda just left it alone. I don't know what happened, when it happened, but at one point there was a shift and we began to date. Through those months, she shared her highs, her lows, strengths and vulnerabilities - she owned them. Christina told it like it is, but also understood compassion, how to empathize, most importantly...how to apologize. The ability to say "I'm sorry" which many times, melted my heart...even though inside, I could be so mad. But of course, only for so long. She supported my new career 100%, always encouraged me, was my biggest fan, even when she wasn't seeing the success she wanted to see for herself. Which reminds me of a story I wanted to share about my Vi Model experience. 

I was trying to get on a cover of a magazine, one of my "Challenges" and it was based a lot on voting. We spent all night voting from every account possible, as much as possible to try and get me to the next round. I mean, we did this for hours. We just laid down in bed, all the way up to the final second of voting eligibility. The only person who cared about Vi Model as much as I did, was her...and she showed it. It must have taken a vote about 3 minutes to process opposed to the 3 seconds before the polls went crazy....she didn't complain, didn't ask to give it a break. She just selflessly wanted to help me, because she cared.

Unfortunately, I never really told Christina how I felt. I took for granted that she knew...which at this point, is small consolation. A family member at the funeral today, told me that Christina recently said "I know he loves me, why doesn't he just come out and say it" and as wonderful as that was to hear, it tore me apart. To know how much it would have meant to her for me to just come out and say it...but I didn't. I don't regret much. But this, I do. Before we started dating people would say we made a good couple, we'd look at one another and laugh, then she would say "He's not my type, I'm way too hot" and I'd reply with something like, "People obvously know she's not on my level, or usually just assume we're co workers" Lol. I would trade in a few years of my own life to jump back into one of those moments to finish our laugther, then look deeply into her eyes and then share those 3 words, with conviction. 

I had talked to Christina about how life should be lived in a way that you have a beautiful funeral. Meaning, if you do the right things in life, the smiles, high fives, the caring and laughter, being genuine...people will want to be there, even when you're not. When you achieve that, you've achieved a legacy...which allows you to live beyond the physical form. That's what she accomplished. I've never met anyone who made such an immediate, immaculate impression on people. Individuals who had only met her once or twice, just in shock about her passing....and its because she was a vibrant, loving soul, which lives on in everyone that was there today, or has made room for her in their heart.

I'm thankful for meeting the family and being able to share in their grieving - she had spoken so well of them, family - and friends. They allowed me to have a longer viewing so I could say my proper goodbyes. I can't even tell you how much something like that meant. I'm touched by their kindness, but not surpsied. They gave us Christina :) There was some healing in being able to put faces to names and voices and she was spoken of so highly, and lovingly. The only thing that could have topped this for Christina, was if Jack Johnson himself sat down where she rested, and sang her a lullaby. 

It wasn't that long ago you were sleeping next to me and I thought how beautiful you are. Its hard to believe you're gone. Very few people have gotten as close to me, as you did. You're something real special.

Sweet dreams Christina.

I miss you.

I mourn you.

and even though I never told you...I love you.

 "Take care, be well & love simply because you can" ~J-man